I can't keep my eyes open. I am so tired and yet I have done bugger all all weekend. I am going into work in a bit. Not as long as I had orginially intended but hey, somethings better than nothing.

Been downloading alot recently. Mostly to keep me entertained whilst Rachel is off camping with her Sister and her mates.

I got Rachel a present. I do hope she likes this on as the last one I got her she hated. If I hadn't of grabbed it, it would of been thrown. I hope we get to use it soon and I'm not going to say anymore on that. :P

I have missed Rachel loads. Yet I think I needed a bit of me time. Still, can't wait for her to get back later. :D

I've got to get ready for work and then get gone.

Later peeps.

Mark xxx

Wow. It's been... Ages. I have been working very hard since my last post. I have also been occupied with Hayfever and currently nursing Rachel's cold she was kind enough to give me. :-)

I made a terrible mistake yesterday. I put on the two Doctor Who episodes Rachel hates most. I have apolygised but I still feel bad. I hate that Rachel feels like she has to relay on my room as entertainment. I have offered on more than one occaision to get her a DVD Player for her room. I mean she has my TV in tere but she has her heart on getting a DVD-ROM for my old computer.

I did try to change the settings back to region 2 by putting in a new DVD-ROM but that was unsuccessful. Whether I missed or did something wrong I have no idea. I just hope that Rachel will realise that I am sorry and will let me help. Who am I kidding? Rachel doesn't wnat help. At least, not from me. I try so hard to keep her happy. I try to cheer her up and all I do is make matters worse. I try to be there for her but that wonderful wall she throws up between me and her gets in the way.

I think the time has come for me to back well off. To let her be. When she wants something from me she can ask and I'll do/get/help as best I can. I know I am not as intelligent as her but then who is? I just want the Rachel I met four years ago back. I unintentionaly pushed her into moving in with me when she didn't want to. I don't let her have any free time by herself relaxing because I work alot and what free time I have I want to spend with her. I have to take a deep breath everytime she is about to go in to work before me because I miss the long days we would spend together not doing anything really. I try not to wake her up when I have to go into work early in the morning. I try to talk to her like we used to but all we do is end up arguing over something so trival.

(Heads Up: May want to skip this part.)

I try to just tease her. But she thinks I want full blown sex. I try to talk dirty to her but she is either tired or occupied. (Or my timing is such that I just SUCK!) Recently she has been ill and I'm not well either but still, I sometimes want the woman I met back.

Don't get me wrong I still love and adore Rachel but sometimes I need to know when to go into my corner or come out. Or if that isn't clear to those who don't understand, I need to know when and if I am doing something when I do it. Not after. When I have to try and remember for the future. The list of don'ts has gotten so long now that some of the do's have gone into don'ts! I need a paper list now just to remember. ::Sighs:: Yet when Rachel smiles... I feel my heart jump in my throat, my tongue falls out and I can't breathe. Her laughter is like sunshine after the rain. Warm and welcoming. Her hugs are the best. And when she doesn't elbow me away or kick me I love snuggling up against as we sleep. I would love it if she did it me. She has done. So let me rephase that. I'd love it if she did it more. I know that two people sharing a bed equals more warmth.

Anyway. Enough of my whinning and longing for me to get things right all the time. My Mum recently went to France With my Sister Anne and my Niece Chloe. My Mum had fun and Anne got burnt. Serves the bitch right. God I wish SHE would grow up. I act imature because I want to. Not to try and get things from other family members. Geez she winds me up.

I recently spoke with my other, much more preferred sister, Dani. She is fine except she's got a long haired cat. :-D I love Cats. So does Dani. She mentioned she would come and see me soon if Chris and Dani are up here. I'd like that. I miss her loads. Dani made me feel like there was intelligence in me. Like there was more than a hard worker who loves movies and downloads. Recently though, I've just felt like a moron with a low IQ who balls up at ever moment. Do all intelligent people do that? I sometimes am proved right but Rachel always seems so upset at that. Like she always has to win. It's nice when she loses till the guilt gets to me.

Perhaps I am the one who needs space. I don't want it though. The mere thought of losing Rachel makes me want to panic!

I don't know. I really don't. Well, I can't think of a better time to use the quote than now.

"Nice guys finish last."

After a month of no internet I have my own internet! Chris has moved out or isn't coming back anytime soon so I lost my Internet and phoneline. Now I have both and unless I don't pay I have it all to myself.

I am working as well. In the Co-Op here in Lampeter. I get paid soon so I can pay BT and rent. I am going to have to wait to pay my part of the gas bill untill next payday. I'll be giving Phil and Leana some money to the gas this payday and I have alot of food left which just leaves electric to worry about.

I'll figure something out. Always do. I have today and tomorrow off which is good news. I can catch up on 24 and NCIS. I will be asking Rachel for NCIS when I see her later on. I just have to get her comp connected up to my internet and then she can have fun on her computer.

I miss her loads. I don't want to work on Saturday as she has that off but I need the money now. Needed it for awhile now. I know I still owe Anne money and my parents. Rachel too for that matter.

I hope that I get Sunday off and I'm working almost all day everyday next week. I desperatly need this job. I just hope in twelve weeks time I have the job. I really do.

Well I'm going to get off and get ready for seeing Rachel in a bit.

Later peeps.

Markxxx

My damn body clock is screwed. I don't feel tired (I mean sleepy tired) untill 7am! Then I sleep till about 3pm. I have tryed, with little success, to get it back in order. But nothing is working.

I've tryed everything that normally keeps me awake to stay awake but it no longer works or I am so tired that I can't help myself. That is untill now. I bought two games yesterday Terminator War of the Machines and X-men Legends. The Terminator game has kept me awake untill now. Haven't tryed the other one yet.

I've been a bit snappy at Rachel recently and not very affectionate either. I don't know why but I have a feeling it is the lack of sleep and my Damn Hayfever. It's not fair of me to take it out on her and I do try not to, but my temper is close to the surface more than ever. I am amazed that Rachel has stayed around me this long. Perhaps it is my constant changes of mood that has her frightened to move in with me.

West Wing is coming along nicely. Buffy however is taking its sweet time. Benn going twenty four days and only at 45.6%. Not fussed really as West Wing is also helping me to stay awake. American politics is so interesting. More so than British. I just want to throttle the lot of British Politicans sometimes. I am sure there are times when the Americans want to do the same to theirs.

I have to get some envolopes and do a bit of shopping in a bit. First I want to wait for this episode of Ashes to Ashes to download before then. It's for Rachel not me. Ashes to Ashes is not for me. And before she thinks about trying to get me into it I need to get my Body Clock in order and other things to do after that.

I am going to get offline now. First Part of Ashes to Ashes is almost done. I'll try and update more later.

Mark xxx

Okay so I haven't updated in awhile. It's because I have been watching the 24 seasons I downloaded and the new season. I feel so sorry for Jack. It seems anytime he is about to find happiness he loses it.

I have also began downloading the West Wings. Loved the first two seasons but never watched the others. Wish I had. I am very tired. There is only so much 24 one can watch all day and all night before sleep deprivation kicks in.

Rachel is coming over tonight and tomorrow, my brother and his family will be here for dinner. I can't wait for then. I miss my brother loads.

Just waiting for the next episode of 24 to be released and then I am going to relax with Rachel.

Later peeps.

Mark xxx

Okay, so the all nighter did not go as planned. I feel asleep sometime after 7:30am. And now my body clock is very much screwed. I'm going to spend all day tomorrow with my parents and I can honestly say I am looking forward to it.

I've cancelled Airwolf. It was taking forever to download. I will just have to buy the box sets. Cheap enough though at the moment. Less than £20 a season. But I have dedts to clear first. Good at getting in to dedt dispite trying not to but getting out, "thats a whole new ball game" as the quote goes.

I have, however, began downloading Sister Act 1&2. I can't seem to find them anywhere in shops. I would order them from Amazon or Play.com but someone here is opening our mail. Have no idea who but hopefully that won't be a problem for long.

01:03am

My downloads are flying at the moment. I hope that the Sister Acts' will be done by the time I get back tomorrow. Won't be staying too late. Though I hope to see my Dad longer than the ten minutes I normally do. He can be a bit of an asshole. (I know, understatement) But he is my Dad and deserves a bit longer than that.

Well I'm going to call it a night folks. Pleasant dreams and a wonderful weekend peeps.

Mark xxx

God I am so very bored. Though, BitComet has kept me occupied all night. My body clock went off when Steven (Chris's eldest son) was sorting out Rachel's internet. He was at untill about 4am and then I kicked him out.

Her internet was sorted and I thanked him so I don't feel too bad about that. Lets see, what else? I had a nice romantic evening Friday. Candles. Sherry (Though next time, I'm getting a sweeter one for Rachel). Rachel is worried that we aren't going to last. Needless to say she had me worried for a bit. God I am tired. CAn't sleep though. Not untill tonight at 9pm.

Urgh! Sleep.

Must stay awake. Coffee helping. Not by much. Tea would of been better. I really can't type so I am going to make this a short one.

Started downloading Buffy too. Was not going to let that pass. Complete seven seasons! My portable harddrive is almost full. 101GB left out of 500GB. Might go for TB one when I have the money next.

Right. Have to find a game or movie that will keep me going untill 9pm. God I miss Rachel.

Mark xxx

Once again I'm lacking on my updates. ::Slaps back of head Gibbs style:: Anyway, watched most of season two of NCIS. Way cool. Slowly working my way through them. I have done alot more than download stuff and watch alot of Films/T.V Shows.

I really want to play Assassins Creed. I am going to have to ask Carl to take a look at my new computer before playing that game. I can't believe how fast time goes when you're bored or waiting for things to happen. But then just occasionly it surprises you by going slowly.

I've recently add 24 and the complete Airwolf to my downloads. Once they're done (In like, a week or so which it has been already) I've got something else to watch. Then I'll start on the Knight Riders. I loved watching them. Oh yeah. And Jonathan Creek needs adding (If I can find them). Damn Bitcomet. Takes forever.

Rachel and I spent Tuesday in Aber. I enjoyed myself but got annoyed when Rachel went into the Sex Shop without. I don't why but it pissed me off a hell of alot. My temper seems alot shorter than it has been in years. But then again the people of the Jobcentre had annoyed me.

I don't know why but recently I've been getting the feeling that something isn't quite right with me when I'm with Rachel. I'm happy that she's here or I'm with her but something is... Not sure how to discribe it. Please don't get me wrong, I do love her with all my heart and soul but something recently is nagging me. Not sure if it's I want her to move in. Or that I want a job. Or if I've said or done something wrong. As I said I don't know how to discribe it.

Rachel is losing weight so it might just be, that for some stupid reason, my... I don't know, view(?)/feelings(?) are changing too. I just don't know. Maybe it's nothing or maybe its me. Angrey at the fact that once again I'm jobless. Annoyed that my family are turning on one another. Sadden by the fact that I am grown up. I mean I have a place of my own. I pay bills. I feed and clean up after myself. Or perhaps, I am now 22 years of age and have done hardly anything with my life. Where's the job/carreer? Where's the family I had hope to of started when I was younger looking forward to this age?

I get that Rachel wants to wait untill we are married and that is what I want too. Damn. Does nothing ever go as we plan? perhaps when it comes to planning, I should avoid it like the plague.

It's getting late so I am going to go to sleep. Maybe I can figure out what is bothering me in my dreams.

Later peeps.

Mark xxx

Yes! I have lots of NCIS to watch over the weekend. Just finished downloading. I had my parents over for dinner last night. They seemed to enjoy the meal and the bottle of wine they brought with. Which I am going to finish off later.

I've just woken up and looked at my downloads. I hope that Rachel slept better than me. I think wine doesn't like me course my dream last night... Too scary. ::shudders::

Damn. Out of Pepsi Max. No money either. Why me?

Well thats all from me for now. I'm off to watch season two of NCIS now. :-P

Mark xxx

It sucked. Loads. Not alot for me to do there except use their post and their phone because Chris (Who I'm sharing internet with) is busy helping his partner redecorate her new place. I don't care about that, its just the damn phone is in his room.

Got Made of Honour and Zombie Strippers. Trying to resist watching them till Rachel is next round. Might wath some Lee Evans in a bit. Just waiting for Assassins Creed and NCIS to arrive. (Got the new episode by the way babe.)

Seriously bored. Have to ring my brother back 3:30pm as he is busy at the mo. Need to see my Mum as well.

Urgh. Majorly bored. Going to watch Lee Evans. He always cheers me up when Rachel isn't around and healthy. Hate it when shes poorly.

Mark xxx

I have all the updates one needs. Except that for some strange reason I am unable to download my Licence Agreement that allows me to listen to music I copied from CDs years ago. Damn Windows Media Player. Hey if anyone knows how to cure it without having to download the albums your advice would be welcome.

Anyway apart from that both Rachel and I are feeling very ill. She has a sore throat and bad cough were as I have a blocked nose and sore throat. I am currently in the process of looking at old websites and trying to find out if people still want to talk to me.

I just seen Valkyrie. Thought it was very good. But then (whilst I don't like the guy I have to admit he is a good actor) with Tom Cruise in it it is not surprising to me.

Been in the mood to watch The Crow again. I don't know though. It seems the want to watch The Crow is more powerful when Rachel is here. I know she doesn't like it but I just want to snuggle up close to her whilst watching it. I wouldn't even mind if she feel asleep whilst I was watching it because I know that as I said earlier, she no likes.

Might ask next time I see her. ::sighs:: We really didn't spend long together today. Barely an hour. Mind you I feel like crap and she is achy so I know I get grumpy when I'm ill and sleep lots. I don't like being grumpy round her and sleep when she doesn't have alot to do here. Though I think internet access has helped some I still get the impression that she is bored.

Chris (One of my flat mates) isn't well liked by her. I don't know why but to both of us, he gives of the vibe of somethings not quite right about him. Chris is back after being held in remand so that does help matters. Innocent or guilty it doesn't matter, the damage is done.

I am tired again so I'm going to have a snooze and wait for another Virus Scan to finish.

Sleep well folks.

Mark xxx

Well, after a long night of updating the computer I am all caught up. Now it's time for the other computer. Rachel is here and is suffering from a stomach ache. Not sure what is the cause but I hope she feels better soon.

Don't like it when she is in pain. It's a gorgous day out. Sun shining and blue sky. The odd cloud here and there with a very strong breeze. I have a few more things I need to do and then I'll be starting on the other computer.

Watching NCIS. Tis cool. Rachel is currupting me lots. :-D Don't really mind untill she trys it with something I really don't like.

Later people.

Mark xxx

I have internet!!! Only problem is I had to move the desk and computers. I only have one monitor as well so (for the time being, untill I can get permission to move the wardrobe,) it is just the one Computer with internet.

I can't wait for Rachel to come over later today. I'm currently knelt on he floor so I'm off to rearrange my room.

Update again later peeps.

Mark xxx

I came back from East Humberside on the 17th January and since then having been moving my stuff slowly out of my parents house. I live now in Lampeter which has made my life easier and Rachels.

I have a big bedroom with a double bed, a desk, chest of draws, a bookcase and a big wardrobe. Not that I need a big wardrobe. I have slowly learn't how much I can and can't spend of my JSA to live.

I have my computer there and most importantly of all my DVD collection. At the moment I am helping Carl and Lou out by babysitting Cabe. I left Anne and Martins for the simple fact Anne was making my life a missery. Not that being back in Wales has made it that much easier but I am, at least for the time being, happy. I wasn't with Anne because of the drugs and the fact that Anne felt the need to blame me for everything that went wrong with her life. I was a verbal punchbag. Anyhow I've left that behind but also I have my sister constantly reminding and threatening me with court if I don't pay the £280 rent.

Now the shared flat is shared bills so I have slowly learn't that I can't spend alot if any on DVDs and with £96 a fortnight to feed me and pay for electric and gas (Though not yet). I also need at least £6 to one side to travel to the stupid JCP. So I have asked repeatedly for my sisters bank details and she refused. She wants me to pay Mum and Mum transfers the money to Anne. Waste of my Mum's time.

But I told Anne what I thought of her and thats it. She can have her money and then I will not speak to her, ever again.

I have party to go to Friday (tomorrow). Not overly in the mood but Rachel wants me there so I'll go. :-D I spoil her lots.

Well Cabe's gone quite. Not a good thing. Update again as and when I can.

Mark xxx

Well, since my last post I haven't seen my sister Dani. So I've been exploring my mobile and found the internet. (Not sure if it'll cost me.) Anyway, Anne and I have been at each other's throat for the past week. It began with Anne having a go at me for eating all the crisps when I have had 4 packets. Then it went on to Anne and Martin having 1 meal a day and I was eating 2 to 3 a day.

I would like to apolygise to Rachel again for making a promise I have been forced to break. I was working as a Door Canvassor (Not sure as spelling) but now I have moved to Telesales which is more comfortable. Not just wage wise but personally.

I am currently round my other sisters' house. It has been a long time since I last updated but the main thing is that I miss Rachel. A hell of a lot.

I now have a can of beer! Thanks Chris.

I love Jade. She is so sweet and funny. Zak's trouble. Be seeing Rachel next weekend.

Got to go but will try to update again soon.

Mark xxx

Okay, lets start with my Birthday. My big two two. Thats right twenty two going on thirty and I'm still living at home with my parents. Still jobless (babysitting does not count). I know where and how I went wrong as well as how to fix it. But my Dad is right. Much as it pains me to admitt. I'm now approaching three years without a job. Anyway, going back to my birthday. T'was cool. Had a few prezzies and lots of money which went on DVD shopping which is always fun. Not for other people because I know what ones I want untill I am given a load to choose from.

I don't particulily want to apply for jobs in Goole and most importantly don't want to leave Wales. It's so beautiful here (When it isn't Raining which is like, most of the time).

Well its Monday and that mean's you guessed it... Babysitting. Although the nice thing is Lou bought Sky so now I have to put up with quite a few cartoons and not much ::cringes:: My Little Pony.

Cabe is still asleep and as the saying goes:

"Let sleeping dogs lay."

I ain't waking him up. Amy is watching TV and me, well I'm wishing I was wrapped up in bed with Rachel beside me watching NCIS. I really want to watch some episodes. Mum's borrowed the new Inheritence book of someone (Can't remember the tittle) so I'm hoping she'll be done with that in a couple of days and I can read it next. Makes a change from them romance books.

I really want a job. Could not care less what type of job it is. Maybe it's my Interview technique. Oh well.

The terror way baby is awake and crying. Never a good sign. Means full, smelly nappy. I'm not paid enough. Should ask for more. But then it becomes a job and not a pleasure.

Got to go people. update again soon.

Mark xxx

I hate allergies. The whole blocked nose and tight chest is lousy. It's my own god damn fault. I knew this was going to happen but did I care? Not at the time. I thought "Hang on. I have Hayfever medicine now so it won't be that bad." Yeah, right. Don't you just hate lying to yourself?

Well apart from that I'm back babysitting and Amy is sat watching a movie (of course) whilst Cabe is fast asleep. For now. No idea how much longer I have before its smelly nappies and trust me, no amount of hayfever can stop the smell of a full nappie. I must of been mad agreeing to babysit today.

At least there's money at the end of this.

Currently playing Morrowind. Tis very cool. Not that I'm very far having just started playing. Can't wait for a chance to be a Vampire ::bounces::

I spent yesterday with Rachel. Always a good thing. We watched a couple of episodes of Stargate Atlantis Season 3 and I tried to watch Nightmare Before Christmas but my damn hayfever finially got the better of me so, sadly, I went home :-(. So what is normally a long stay with Rachel was very short. With less kisses and hugs. Wednesday I had better be better. I want my Hugs and kisses.

Mental note to self: DON'T GO ROUND RACHEL'S WHEN SHE IS CLEARING UNDER HER BED AND THE DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! IT EQUALS ALOT OF PAINFUL SNEEZING, WATERY EYES AND TIGHT CHEST! (Don't worry. I never listen to me when I start preaching to myself. Oh! TEA!!!)

::Ahem:: Anyway...

Opps! Green bits all over my brothers screen. Damn nose. A little advance warning would be good. Sorry. Gross I know.

Right, well, I had best go back to ::cringes:: My Little Pony. Could it get much worse than this?

I'm jinxed. Coming Cabe.

Mark xxx

Okay. So as I said the last time that I updated it has been a long time so please bare with me. I came back from college hoiping that I'd get a job within three months of me finishing the course. That was January. Now it is August and just two days to my beautiful blossems birthday.

I was hoping that I'd have lots of money to spend getting Rachel alot of birthday presents and even maybe throw a party for her. But on barely £60 a fortnight that is not possible. Anyway I have managed to get her a present at least.

Due the Jobceentre playing their usual tricks I have had to begin charging my brother (Carl) for the privalige of looking after my niece and nephew (Amy and Cabe). Not something I want to do but for a little extra income I've had to.

The parents are the same. Busy trying not to kill each other. That should really be the other way around as my Dad drives my Mum up the wall and back. He does it to me too. He recently informed me that I HAVE to apply for a job at Tesco in Goole, East Riding (East Yorkshire to everyone outside that area) or live on the streets. So it seems in October I will be living in Goole, probably with my sister (Anne), trying to find a place and more than likely a job so I can get a driving license so I can come and see Rachel. Then IF I get the Job and the place hopfully Rachel will look for work and join me in Goole or, I will have to wait a year or two and put in a transfer in to a branch/company/office in Wales close to Rachel.

Basically my life is not going well. I've redouble my efforts again to find a job here in Wales before October but, knowing my luck as I do, I doult I will. Then I'm going to be worried that Rachel is going to cheat on me or grow tired of the distance between us or the worse one yet, grow bored of me. I know that those are not very likely but they will be running through my head like anything if it does come to me having to move back to Yorkshire. Rachel is the one good thing in my life and I really do not want to lose her. She means so much to me.

Anyway, I have a young lady who is insisting that I join her on the trampaline so I had best get off.

Mark xxx

Okay so since I've come back I have put in applications for Jobs and guess what? I have been unsuccessful in that department. Life has been busy and boring. Been Babysitting for my brother and recently have had to charge him for it as the Jobcentre are being their usual "Helpful" selves.

By that I mean subtracting money. Not really helping me to find work and generally being useless. Rachel's the same. happy most of the time. 5 Days till her b-day. I'm babysitting at the mo but will update again soon.

Mark xxx